


Brown Bottle Flu

by workshy_ish



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Cussing, Gen, Scotty's POV, alcohol mention, did I mention there was cussing?, slight drugs mention, two drunk men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 16:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7691065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/workshy_ish/pseuds/workshy_ish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"In hindsight, the engineer probably should not have left the good doctor alone and told him to 'have fun and be free for once in your brief, miserable life, you bastard.' "</p><p>Or the aftermath of what happens when you leave an engineer and a doctor to drink and party to their hearts content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brown Bottle Flu

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't want to, but I'm so bored!  
> I took a lot of civil liberties with Scotty's accent so if you're scottish and you're offended, I am so so sorry.
> 
> If it helps, I based it on this website: en[dot]wiktionary[dot]org/wiki/Appendix:Glossary_of_Scottish_slang_and_jargon  
> And it's a wiki so I assumed it was legit!
> 
> dinnae - don't  
> wee - small  
> cannae - can't  
> dowp - backside  
> diddie - dumbass
> 
> The title is a euphemism for a hangover, and I thought it was very appropriate. Another would have been, "A scotsman and a southerner walk into a bar" but it was too long. What titles should I have used?

In hindsight, the engineer probably should not have left the good doctor alone and told him to "have fun and be free for once in your brief, miserable life, you bastard."  

Though, in his defense, the doctor is a grown man with a PhD who should have known better than to smoke something without knowing what it was. Wasn't there a course in doctor college dealing with drugs and peer pressure he should've taken? 

"For facks sake, Doctor! Ye cannae be draggin' yerself like that. Yer not a wee man, an' I dinnae have the upper body strength t' carry you all the way there. I'm hungover enough as is t' deal wi' this shite!" 

And so it was, in the year of our Lord... it'll come back to him, just give him a second – did Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Christopher Jorgensen Scott, hungover and sore from top to bottom, find himself hobbling through the backwoods of an alien planet carrying the ever-reliable and currently high Lieutenant Commander Leonard pain-in-my-ass-and-back McCoy, PhD towards the drop site.   

The events of the evening before may have been a blur for both men, but if and when they are able to recall the night before, they would most likely look back fondly and laugh at the shit they did together. But right now, the engineer could settle for a transport out of here to his bed. Due to the background interference coming from the mountains on all sides, however, the transporter and the communicators were unusable until they got to the drop site. 

It was never truly their intention to party until the ass crack of the alien dawn since they were due back to return to the Enterprise after acting as representatives. So it would not have been wise to report for duty under the influence of drink and possible recreational drugs. But when all of the planet's villagers insisted they celebrate the genius, talent, and miracle of the engineer and the doctor with a party fit for heroes, who were they to argue? After all, they did manage to single-handedly save seventeen – count 'em, seventeen – pregnant villagers and their infant children. So that made thirty... something? He couldn't recall if one or two of them had twins. Either way, that was an amazing feat!  

Sure, it was a lot of pregnant people for a small planet, but the planet's harvest season aimed to celebrate the creation of life by encouraging many of their couples to mate to their hearts content. By doing so, they could possibly conceive and have their own wee village people. But what they didn't expect was the number of villagers who would actually conceive. Add to that, the other villages that had just branched off from the main village who also celebrated the harvest season, and you've got a bevy of pregnant villagers acting as incubators for future whatever-these-babies-wanted-to-be-in-life.  

Now that's all good and fine, but according to the ship's resident doctor it could be "a pot of boiling water blowing up in their face." By that, he probably meant it was something good that could turn bad and be an issue if not addressed properly. Scotty never really knew what the doctor was saying most of the time. This was understandably a problem, especially when the planet's crops started dying for no apparent reason just weeks before all the villagers were due.  

It was a big problem, but with a little ingenuity and some elbow-grease they were able to rig up enough sterile med hubs in the planet to provide areas where the villagers could give birth in. Medical was able to portion the workload and handle the birth-giving, while the science team found a solution to the crop problem. Turned out, it was a new strain of alien rodent eating up at the roots. Engineering had that squared away by securing their crops within borders built underground. Spock would have been here to celebrate and possibly curb their enthusiasm, but he was too busy entertaining the visiting Starfleet admirals. The same admirals who were planning on celebrating their said ingenuity over brunch aboard the Enterprise. Shit. 

A few more feet and the pair would finally reach the shuttle and make it hopefully in time to the brunch. Just a few more bumpy feet with the doctor on his back. Fantastic. 

"Len, we gotta get to the drop zone fast. So quit draggin' yer dowp and get on!" He tried pushing the doctor right towards the zone but he kept dragging his feet and leaning all his weight on Scotty.  

"Gravity... working... can't... go... on..."  

He'd just about had enough of the doctor in this state, and was wont to show it by dropping him on the ground and walking away. If he wasn't going to pull his weight and help him get back on the Enterprise in time, then he could leave him here for all he cared.  

Walking away, he wasn't really surprised when the doctor called out to him. "Scotty... Scotty 'm sorry..." What did surprise him was the sudden declaration that he was about to die.  

"Scotty... I can't feel my spleen! I c- I'm- I'm gonna dieeeeeeee..... Dammit I'm gonna die!" 

Looking back, Scotty saw the normally composed doctor sniveling and crawling slowly on all fours towards him.  

"I- *sniff* I'm gonna die a virgin... *sniff*"  

Not knowing what else to do, he decided to head back to grab to doctor and drag him by the arms to the drop site. "What the fack are ye on about, ye diddie? Ye were married, weren't ye? Fackin' bastard cannae hold a smoke."  

Looking up at the engineer, the doctor smiled at his friend. "Scotty. I love you. What the fuck are you saying?"  

Pulling the doctor to his feet, Scotty lifted his arm around himself so that they leaned on each other as they walked to the drop site. "I talk like this when I'm jaked, dinnae mind me." 

Because of their drunken state, it took a while for them to move towards the assigned drop site but they got to it eventually.  

Opening his communicator, Scotty cried tears of joy when he heard Lieutenant Uhura respond. "Enterprise! *sniff* Two t' teleport!"  

"Scotty?" The lieutenant replied, "Is everything alright? What took you so long?"  

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Scotty barely noticed Leonard take the communicator from his hand until he heard him say "Mmmmmbababuoy!" 

But he couldn't even be bothered to care when he felt the familiar sensation of the transporter bringing them back to his silver lady.  

According to the people present at the time of their return, it was quite a surprise to see a crying engineer get on his knees to kiss the ground as soon as he fully appeared on the pad. What was more surprising to them was the usually surly doctor running around and greeting everyone he saw with a warm hug and a warning that he might die a virgin because he couldn't find his spleen. Needless to say, they weren't present for the celebratory brunch organized in their honor. Even years after this event, none of the crew members intend to let the two men live it down.


End file.
